Euphemisms for Masturbation

Using the phrase "Bring yourself off" is a euphemism.  Here's our list.  Please feel welcome to add to it.

The List So Far

• Bleeding The Weed
• Beating The Bishop
• Hogging The Elmer's Glue
• Surfing With The Alien
• Riding The Service Elevator
• Lubing The Lightning Rod
• Morphing The Dwarf Worf
• Giving The Naked Mole Rat A Noogie
• Launching The Catfish
• Caulking The Comforter
• Slugging The Scud
• Choking The Chihuahua
• Buffing The Bone
• Tweeting The Meat Whistle
• Poking The Trojan
• Stroking The String Cheese
• Chafing The Chipmunk
• Petting The Penguin
• Strangling The Mime
• Wringing The Rooster
• Squeezing Tweety Bird
• Pine-Tarring The Louisville Slugger
• Flying The Flag
• Playing Pocket Pool
• Smacking The Jack-In-The-Box
• Stepping Into A Slim Jim
• Dowsing The Trouser Mouse
• Stuffing The Five-Fingered Turkey
• Tackling The Hamburglar
• Greasing Grimmace
• Getting Special Sauce From Mayor McCheese
• Scolding The Squirrel
• Paddling The Pickle
• Tweaking The Leek
• De-Lousing The Naked Clown
• Grooming The Komodo Dragon
• Tickling The Chicken
• Having Tea With Tigger
• Boxing Gandhi
• Smothering The Monkey
• Boinking Big Boy
• Grasping The Grouper
• Flibhabbling The Winkerpoodel
• Noosing The Loch Ness Monster
• Cuddling With The Cumquat
• Spanking The Anteater
• Fingering The Flesh Fretboard
• Making The White River Flow
• Finding Waldo
• Hiding Saddam In The Bunker
• Pistol-Whipping The Python
• Heimliching Herve Villechaize
• Wagging The Worm
• Carpaling The Tunnel Syndrome
• Goosing The Cobra
• Sumo-Wrestling With Tom Thumb
• Priming The Geyser
• Tweaking The Ewok
• Retching The Echidna
• Fluffing The Fajita
• Necklacing The Burrito
• Tugging On Santa's Beard
• Nerfing The Herder
• Clubbing The Seal
• Stabbing Rosy Palmer
• High-Fiving The Hairless Mole
• Whacking The Quacker
• Spearing The Zero
• Pinching The Snickers
• Draping The Tapeworm
• Getting The Air Pregnant
• Johnny Coming Lately
• Oiling The Skin Flute
• Massaging Ronald Reagan
• Unblocking The Exhaust
• Making Garth Hurl
• Bonking The Dachshund
• Kneading The Knob
• Putting Decals On The Pocket Rocket
• Rubbing The Magic Lamp
• Shaving The Sweet Potato
• Wreathing The Enchilada
• Jerking The Gherkin
• Flaying The Playdoh
• Clasping The Asp
• Coaxing The Turtle Out Of The Shell
• Rolfing Jabba
• Waxing The Dolphin
• Having A Vaseline Sandwich
• Making Bob Barr Bob For Apples
• Bum-Rushing The Gusher
• Teasing The Tortoise
• Silencing Senor Wences
• Snuffing The Snail
• Garroting The Carrot
• Squelching The Squirming Kermit
• Groping Super Grover
• Tickling The Elmo
• Making Big Bird Scream
• Feeding KY To Cookie Monster
• Getting Oscar Even Grouchier
• Muffling Mr. Snufalafugus
  
• Crimping The Tadpole
• Squirting The Squid
• Jerking The Smurf
• Frisking The Furby
• Mugging The Slug
• Jacking The Rat
• Torturing The Teletubby
• Catapulting The Manbatter
• Scaring The Puffer Fish
• Battering Baldrick
• Stifling The Newt
• Soothing The Squealing Pig
• Leeching The Catfish
• Jimining The Cricket
• Putting Pants On Donald Duck
• Making Goofy Tap-Dance
• Gargling The Garden Hose
• Bill Gating
• Culturing The Yogurt
• Waxing The Salamander
• Adjusting Mr. Happy's Helmet
• Shaking Down The Jawa
• Workin' Out The Wookie
• Pumping Out Nacho Sauce
• Juking With Jergen's
• Soiling The Ceiling
• Gorging On Gravy
• Doodling The Yankee Till He's Dandy
• Shining The Shaved Ferret
• Cracking Jimmy's Corn
• Hardening The Aardvark
• Going The Distance With Tex Cobb
• Putting Faces On The Totem Pole
• Twisting The Pixie Stick
• Soaking The Gourd
• Milking The Mongoose
• Throttling The Duck
• Gagging Gollum
• Dabbing At The Crab
• Corsaging The Blue Dress
• The Ole Hubba Bubba
• Twirling The Javelin
• Bruising The Goose
• Waving The Baton
• Making The Meat Puppet Talk
• Parking The Shark
• Threading The Knuckle Needle
• Thumping The Pumpkin
• Drowning The Hobbit
• Slapping Sluggo
• Solving Rubik's Phallus
• Faking Karate With Little Elvis
• Lap-Based Web Browsing
• Gettin' Some Air Nookie
• Wrangling The Invertebrate Serpent
• Tango Con Mano
• Jostling Your Elder
• Ruminating & Pondering
• Shaking Your Fist At The Ex-Girlfriend
• Releasing The Hostages
• Tickling Your Elmo
• Fixing The Hubble
• Putting The Seminal Luge Team Through Their Paces
• Carnal Tunnel Syndrome
• Beta-Testing The Hardware
• Downloading From Your Own Website
• Evicting The Testicular Squatters
• Manually Increasing The Surface Temperature Of The Ship's Primary Cannon By Repeated Linear Manipulation
• Pocket Punch 'N' Judy
• Signing Your John Hancock
• Dragging Thyself To Hell, One Hand's Breadth At A Time
• Emptyin' The Saloon
• Waving To Queen Victoria
• Trying For A Scarlet "M"
• Oiling The Pennywhistle
• Assaulting The Tower Of London
• Cleaning The Musket
• Quashing The Southern Uprising
• Monitoring Your Merrimac
• Driving The Golden Spike
• Delivering The Ejaculation Proclamation
• Churning The Codpiece Butter
• Square Dancing With Satan
• Addressing Lord Palmer
• Making The Bald Man Cry
• Playing The Single String Guitar
• Consulting Your Silent Partner
• Wrist Aerobics
• Burping The Baby
• Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
• Tugging The Slug
• Clearing The Snorkel
• Tenderizing The Tube Steak
• Bashing The Candle
• Choking Kojak
• Fiddling The Flesh Flute
• Flogging The Log
• Toss The Turkey
• Toss Yogurt
• Tug The Slug
• Twang The Wire
• Tweak Your Twinkie
• Twist Your Crank
• Unloading The Gun
• Varnish The Flagpole
• Wake The Dead
• Walk The Dog
• Walk The Plank
• Wank
• Wank With The One-Eyed Wonder Weasel
• Wash The Meat
• Wax The Buick
• Wax The Carrot
• Wax The Dolphin
• Wax The Surfboard
• Waxin' N' Milkin'
• Whack Willy
• Whack It
• Whack Off
• Whack The Weasel
• Whip Off
• Whip The Dummy
• Whip The One-Eyed Trouser Snake
• Whip The One-Eyed Worm
• Whip The Rat
• Whip The Stiff
• Whip The Wire
• Whip Up Some Sour Cream
• Whip Your Dripper
• Whittle The Stick
• Whizzin' Jism
• Windsurf On Mount Baldy
• Wonk Your Conker
• Work Off
• Work Things Out
• Wrestle The Dragon
• Wrestle The Eel
• Wrestling With The Bald Champ
• Wring Out Your Rope
• Wrist Aerobics
• Yank
• Yank Off
• Yank The Crank
• Yank The Yoyo
• Yank Your Plank
• Wanking
• Jacking Off
• Jerking Off
• Whacking Off
• Beating Off
• Beating The Meat
• Beating The Bishop
• Saluting The Bishop
• Slammin' The Ham
• Stroking Off
• Making Beef
• Strokin' Off
• Jerkin' The Gherkin
• Pecking At Jimmy
• Doing The Peter Beater
• Stroking The Sausage
• Squeezing The Lizard
• Bopping The Baloney
• Wringing The Weasel
• Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
• Making A Date With Rosie Redpalm And Her Five Sisters
• Going Out With Felicia Five Fingers
• Sharing A Moment With Yourself
• Making A Choadload
• Polishing The Baton
• Churning The Butter
• Choking Your Chicken
• Stirring With The Skin Ladle
• Waxing The Dolphin
• Making The Puppet Spit
• Giving Yourself A Hand
• Making The Sound Of One Hand Clapping
• Giving Yourself A High Hard One
• Priming The Pump
• Whipping Yourself Into A Frenzy
• Pulling The Pud
• Doing One-Handed Pull Ups
• Wringing Out The Old
• Making Soup For One
• Getting A Handle On The Situation
• Squeezing Off A Round
• Playing Slopscotch
• Charming The Trouser Snake
• Making A Mess Of Things
• Answering The Bone-A-Phone
• Adjusting The Vertical Hold
• Getting A Grip On Things
• Doing The Five-Knuckle Shuffle
• Palming The Top Card
• Purging The System
• Playing Solitaire
• Making The Cream Rise To The Top
• Just Add Water
• Make Your Own Sauce
• Doing A Load By Hand
• Getting The Upper Hand
• Pulling The Porpoise
• Riding The One Handed Bicycle
• Taking A Solo On The Skin Flute
• Cramming For Finals
• Hitting The Jizm Trail
• Firing A Protein Torpedo
• Slip Sliding Away
• Marching To The Beat Of A Different Drummer
• Aiming For The Stars
• Milking It For All It's Worth
• Stroking The Pony
• Taking A Shot In The Dark
• Gland Handling
• I Wanna Hold My Gland
• Going For The Gold
• Taming The Trouser Shrew
• Wrestling Willie
• Teasing The Wonder Worm
• Polishing The Purple-Helmeted Love Warrior
• Lettin' Ol' Sniffer Out For A Run
• Making The Swelling Go Down
• Pleasing The Throbber
• Heading Yourself Off At The Pass
• Bringing It On Home
• Cramping Your Style
• 5 Digit Disco
• Buzzing The Honey Hole
• Backslappin' Betty
• Bailing Out The Gravy Boat
• Beaver Bashin'
• Bouncing The Bearded Clam
• Buffing The Box
• Buffing The Jewel
• Butter Schlopping
• Buttering Up The Whisker Biscuit
• Clam Twiddlin' Jamboree
• Critter Crammin'
• Damming The Beaver
• Dialing "O" On The Little Pink Telephone
• Diddling Miss Daisy
• Diggin' For Clams
• Digitis Erectus
• Drillin' For Oil
• Feeding The Love Monster
• Fingering The Fountain
• Friday Night Lip Service
• Frosting The Muffin Of Love
• Giving Herself The Finger
• Going For The Gooey Duct
• Impeaching Bush
• Juicing The Clam
• Letting Her Fingers Do The Walking
• Lip Smacking M
• Swearing in the Purple Helmet Warrior
• Making The Kitten Purr
• Ménage A'mois
• Performing A Pearl Jam
• Petting The Kitty
• Piddly Diddler
• Playin' The Slots
• Playing The Squeezebox
• Pokin' The Pie
• Polishing The Little Pink Pearl
• Pumping The Kooter
• Punchin' The Chipmunk
• Reading In Braille
• Riding The Clitoris-Sauras
• Romancing Thy Own
• Roughing Up The Suspect
• Scrubbin' The Cake Pan
• Self-Guided Tuna Boat Tour
• Slopping The Hog
• Smacking Jerry Garcia On The Nose
• Smacking The Clam
• Spanking Lucy
• Splitting The Stocks
• Spreading The Joy
• Stirring The Cauldron
• Stroking The Newt
• Ticklin' The Taco
• Tissue Tickling
• Twiddlin' The Bean
• Twirling The Pearl
• Unbuttoning The Fur Coat
• Doin' The Han Solo
• Doing Your Homework
• Drilling For Oil
• Fastening The Chin Strap On The Helmet Of Love
• Fire The Surgeon General
• Fishing With Dynamite
• Helping Put Mr. Kleenex's Kids Through College
• Holding Your Own
• Left To Your Own Devices
• Liquidating The Inventory
• Making A Cash Withdrawal
• Minding Your Own Business
• Pat The Robertson
• Playing Solitaire
• Putting Your Thumb In The Porridge
• Raining On Your Parade
• Relishing Your Hot Dog
• Rubbing Yourself Until You Have An Orgasm Sampling The Secret Sauce
  
• Shooting Yourself In The Foot
• Spending Your Christmas Bonus
• Stewing In Your Own Juices
• Summoning The Genie
• Taking A Load Off
• Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands
• Toying With Your Death Star
• Using The Force
• Varnishing The Banister
• Wrestling With Your Emotions
• Working Up A Foamy Lather
• Arm-Wrestle With Your One-Eyed Vessel
• Attack The One-Eyed Purple-Headed Warrior
• Audition The Finger Puppets
• Audition Your Hand Puppet
• Backstroke Roulette
• Bash The Candle
• Battle With The Purple Helmeted Warrior Of Love
• Be Your Own Best Friend
• Beat Off
• Beat The Bishop
• Beat The Bologna
• Beat The Dummy
• Beat The Meat
• Beat The Pud
• Beat The Stick
• Beat Up Your Date
• Beef Tips Stroking Off
• Bleed The Weed
• Blow Your Load
• Blow Your Own Horn
• Bludgeon The Beefsteak
• Bop The Bologna
• Bop The Bonzo
• Box The Jesuit
• Box With Richard
• Buff The Banana
• Bugger Your Hand
• Burp The Baby
• Burp The Worm
• Butter The Corn
• Caning The Vandal
• Charm The Snake
• Check For Testicular Cancer
•  Cheese Off
•  Choke Kojak
• Choke The Chicken
• Choke The Sheriff And Wait For The Posse To Come
• Clamp The Pipe
• Clean Your Rifle
• Clear The Snorkel
• Climb The Tree
• Closet Frisbee
• Come Into Your Own
• Cook The Cream Of Cock
• Corral Your Tadpole
• Couch Hockey For One
• Crank The Love Pump
• Crank The Shank
• Crimp The Wire
• Crown The King
• Cuddle The Kielbasa
• Cuff The Carrot
• Daisy-Chaining
• Date Miss Michigan
• Date Mrs. Palmer And Her Five Daughters
• Date Rosie Palm And Her Five Sisters
• Defrosting The Fridge
• Diddle
• Digital Penile Oscillation
• Do It Your Way
• Do Handiwork
• Do The White Knuckler
• Do The Janitor Thing
• Drain The Monster
• Dry Humping The Ottoman
• Electing The President
• Engage In Safe Sex
• Exercise One's Right
• Feed The Ducks
• Fiddle The Flesh Flute
• Fist Fuck
• Fist Your Mister
• Five Knuckle Shuffle
• Five-Knuckle-Shuffle On The Old Piss Pump
• Flick Your Bic
• Fling Your Phallus
• Flip The Bishop
• Flog The Bishop
• Flog The Dog
• Flog The Dolphin
• Flog The Dong
• Flog The Hog
• Flog The Log
• Flog The Mule
• Fly Fishing
• Fondle Your Flagpole
• Free Willy
• Teasing the Trouser Trout
• Frost The Pastries
• Gallop The Antelope
• Gallop The Old Lizard
• Genital Stimulation Via Phallengetic Motion
• Get A Date With Slick Mittens
• Get Chafed
• Get Off
• Get The German Soldier Marching
• Get To Know Yourself
• Get Your Pole Varnished
• Give It A Tug
• Give Your Low Five
• Go A Couple Of Rounds With Ol' Josh
• Go Blind
• Go On A Date With Fisty Palmer
• Go On A Date With Handrea And Palmela
• Go The Blow
• Goose The Gherkin
• Grease The Pipe
• Hack The Hog
• Hand Job
• Hand Shandy
• Hard Labor
• Have One Off The Wrist
• Hitchhike To Heaven
• Hitchhike Underneath The Big Top
• Hold The Bishop
• Hold The Sausage Hostage
• Hone The Cone
• Honk Your Horn
• Hug The Hog
• Human Version Of Autoexec.Bat
• Hump Your Hose
• Jack Hammer
• Jack Off
• Jazz Yourself
• Jerk
• Jerk Jamby
• Jerk It
• Jerk Off
• Jerk The Gherkin
• Jizzlob
• Jocelyneldering
• Kick Your Roommate Out For Five To Ten Minutes To "Call Your Parents"
• Look For Ticks
• Lope The Mule
• Love The Muppet
• Love's Labors Lost
• Make A Foreskin Cone
• Make Instant Pudding
• Make The Bald Man Puke
• Making Soup
• Mangle The Midget
• Manipulate The Mango
• Manual Labor
• Manual Override
• Master Bacon, Meet Rosie Hancock
• Meat With Mother Thumb And Her Four Daughters
• Milk The Lizard
• Milk The Cow
• Milk The Moose
• Milk The Self
• Milking The Lizard
• Mount A Corporal And Four
• Much Goo About Nothing
• Nerk Your Throbber
• Null The Void
• Oil The Glove
• Onan's Olympics
• One Gun Salute
• One Man Band
• One-Night-Stand With Yourself
• Pack Your Palm
• Paddle The Pickle
• Paint The Ceiling
• Paint The Pickle
• Palm The Calm
• Peel Some Chilis
• Peel The Banana
• Perform Diagnostics On Your Mantool
• Pet The Lizard
• Pip The Pumpkin
• Play Uno
• Play A Little Five-On-One
• Play A One Stringed Guitar
• Play Five Against One
• Play In A One-Man Show
• Play Peek-A-Boo
• Play Pocket Pinball
• Play Pocket Pool
• Play Tag With The Pink Torpedo
• Play The Skin Flute
• Play Tug-O-War With Cyclops
• Play With Your Turtle (For Uncircumcised Guys)
• Playing The One-Stringed Melody
• Please Your Pisser
• Plunk Your Twanger
• Polish Percy In Your Palm
• Polish The Rocket
• Polish The Family Jewels
• Polish The Helmet
• Polish The Rock-Hard Staff Of St. Peter
• Polish The Rocket
• Polish The Sword
• Pound Off
• Pound The Bald-Headed Moose
• Pound The Pud
• Pound Your Flounder
• Pound Your Pud
• Prepare The Carrot
• Prime The Pump
• Pull Off
• Pull Rank
• Pull The Bologna Pony
• Pull The Carrot
• Pull The Cord
• Pull The Goalie
• Pull The Pole
• Pull The Pope
• Pull The Pud
• Pull Your Own Leg
• Pull Your Prick
• Pull Your Taffy
• Pump The Python
• Pump The Stump
• Punch The Clown
• Punch The Munchkin
• Punish Percy In Your Palm
• Ram The Ham
• Relieve Tension
• Ride The Great White Knuckler
• Roll Your Own
• Romeo And Himself
• Rope The Pony
• Rope The Pope
• Rub Off
• Rub One Out
• Rub The Pink Eraser
• Run Off A Batch By Hand
• Sacrifice Sperm To The God Of Lonely Nights
• Safest Sex
• Sand Wood
• Scour The Tower Of Power
• Scratch The Itch
• Secret Handshake
• Self Abuse
• Self-Induced Penile Regurgitation
• Sex With Someone You Really Love
• Shag
• Shake Hands With Abe Lincoln
• Shake Hands With Yul Brynner
• Shake Hands With The Midget
• Shake Hands With The Unemployed
• Shake Hands With Your John Thomas
• Shake Hands With Your Wife's Best Friend
• Shake The Sauce
• Shake The Sausage
• Shake The Snake
• Shaling The Snake
• Shellac The Shillelagh
• Shemp The Hog
• Shift Gears
• Shine The Helmet
• Shine Your Pole
• Shoot For The Moon
• Shoot Putty At The Moon
• Shoot The Airplane
• Shuck Your Corn
• Slakin' The Bacon
• Slam The Ham
• Slam The Salami
• Slam The Salmon
• Slam The Spam
• Slap High Fives With Yul Brynner
• Slap It
• Slap Pappy
• Slap The Carrot
• Slap The Clown
• Slap The Donkey
• Slap The Pud
• Slap The Purple Headed Yogurt Pistol
• Slap The Salami
• Sling The Jelly
• Smack Off
• Smack The Salami
• Snap The Monkey
• Snap The Rubber
• Snap The Whip
• Solo Flight
• Solo Marathon
• Solo Sex
• Spank Frank (Or Elvis)
• Spank The Bishop
• Spank The Frank
• Spank The Monkey
• Spank The Salami
• Spank The Wank
• Squeeze The Cheese
• Squeeze The Juice
• Squeeze The Toothpaste In The Middle Of The Tube
• Squeeze Your Cheese-Dog
• Stinky Pinky
• Stir The Batter
• Stir The Yogurt
• Strain The Main Vein
• Stroke It
• Stroke Off
• Stroke The Carrot
• Stroke The Dog
• Stroke The Mole
• Stroke The One-Eyed Burping Gecko
• Stroke The Satin-Headed Serpent
• Stroke Your Poker
• Stroke Your Twinkie
• Strumming The One String Harp
• Take Matters Into Your Own Hands
• Take Part In Population Control
• Take The Fifth
• Take The Monster For A One-Armed Ride
• Talk Quietly To Yourself
• Tame The Shrew
• Taunt The One-Eyed Weasel
• Tease The Weenie
• Tenderize The Tube Steak
• Test The Testicles
• Test Your Batteries
• That Crazy Hand Jive
• The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
• The Art Of Unisex
• The Five Knuckle Shuffle
• Thrash Your Thing
• Thump The Pump
• Thump Your Thong
• Tickle The Ivory
•  Tickle The Pickle
• Tickle The Taco
• Ticklewigglejigglepickle
• Toss Off
• Toss The Snag
• Wag The Dog
• Southen Handshake
• Southpaw Salute
• Singing With The Barbershop Quintet

Resources